


Yesterdays

by insidethevoid



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: F/M, Humor, Romance, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-22
Updated: 2015-08-04
Packaged: 2018-01-13 10:47:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 13,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1223452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insidethevoid/pseuds/insidethevoid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Morgana and Gwaine: the way it could have been. (Compliant with finale ending but potentially not with all canon in the series) [Finale spoilers in prologue] </p><p>playlist: http://8tracks.com/ksbailer/yesterdays</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: Where The Road Ends

"Tell me where the King is."

He looked her over once, eyes not stopping on the curious wooden box wrapped tightly in her hands.

"I'd rather die."

It was the response she expected. Nothing was ever simple with him, a fact of life she knew all too well.

"And you shall have your wish once you've told me. Not even you, Sir Knight, can resist the charms of the Nathair."

She opened the box. Its hinges creaked as a vicious little black snake peeked out. He recoiled immediately at the sight of the snake, any cry for help or of anguish caught in his throat. She looked positively satisfied. He was exactly where she wanted him. She would have a victory. His death would be sweet and slow and by her hand. In another time the moment would have been bitter, wouldn't have even come to pass. But that was long gone.

"I've always believed it didn't have to be like this."

"But it does."

"You loved me once, is that so easily forgotten?"

"As easily as you've forgotten everything that's happened."

"I forget nothing. I proved that to you once."

"I am through playing your games, you will tell me where Arthur is."

"I will tell you nothing."

Hesitating for only the shortest of moments, she moved the box towards him. Her eyes flitted between the small box and the captured knight. Her lips parted, her voice prepared to utter the last words he would ever hear her say.

"Turn from this," he said just as she was about to breathe the words.

"What?" she asked incredulously.

"Turn from this," he repeated.

"You would have me run for the rest of my life like an animal."

"I would have you do what you should have done a long time ago. When there was a chance for forgiveness."

"Forgiveness is not what I crave. The throne is mine and I shall have it!"

Her heart beat faster with every suggestion she could give in. That she could let Arthur Pendragon rule over what was rightfully hers. No, Camelot was hers and no mortal or sorcerer would stand in her way. This conversation, talking to him, it was making her lose control. Her sanity was slipping away again. It happened more often now that the final battle had begun. Only victory would bring her peace. The crown would bring her serenity.

"I'm going to ask one more time. Where is the King?"

"What will you do as Queen? Will you force your people to love you with death as their alternative?"

"Where is he?"

"Give the word, I've said all I can. Camelot will never be yours."

"WHERE IS HE?"

"You're going to lose. And I'm sorry."

Morgana commanded the Nathair to attack. And Gwaine screamed.


	2. Meeting in the Woods

Light shone softly through the windows of Camelot's castle on that morning. Guinevere, as she did every morning, made her way through the halls to Morgana's bedchambers. To her surprise, however, Morgana was already in her riding clothes and very quietly attempting to leave. The two nearly collided as Gwen pushed the door open.

"My lady, I'm so sorry! Where are you off to in such a hurry this morning?"

"It's perfectly alright, Gwen. Just going for a ride before Uther awakens."

"Surely he would let you go riding?"

"Not alone. Why don't you have the morning off, I'll return in a few hours," Morgana suggested, moving out the door again.

"And if someone should inquire as to your whereabouts?" Gwen asked with a smile.

"I am on accompanied walk through town. I shouldn't think it will be a problem, the King will be busy preparing the festival."

"Of course, my lady. I'll have lunch prepared for your return."

Morgana gave her thanks and hugged Gwen before quickly making her way to the stables.

The forest was always an escape for Morgana and she was seldom able to go alone. As the King's ward, Uther always insisted a knight tag along just in case. But today she was free, if only for a few hours, from those restraints. She came to her favorite place along the creek and secured the horse's reigns to a nearby branch. The cool, clear water reflected the vibrant green of the trees overhead.

Morgana stretched out on a flat boulder and closed her eyes. If she focused on the splashing fish and the warm breeze, all the troubles in Camelot would melt away. Sometimes she thought she could live in the forest without responsibilities or anyone constantly looking over her shoulder. But she couldn't. Uther wouldn't hear of it, and even if she left in the middle of the night he would certainly send out a search party. A nice sentiment, she supposed, that he cared, but sometimes Morgana felt like she was suffocating. At least she had some influence to make Camelot better, even if it usually ended in an argument. She'd apologize, he'd consider her advice. A minor inconvenience, really, to save someone from the King's stubbornness.

No, she would bury the thoughts of leaving and hope some relief would come along.

The rustle of some branches and a body falling on top of her snapped Morgana out of her serene state. Her eyes opened to see a mass of hair and muscles that was apparently trying to crush her lungs. With all her strength she pushed him and he landed on the ground with a small thud.

"That's not very lady like," the man mumbled from the ground.

"It is not very gentlemanly to fall into someone!"

"I was running and I tripped and you happened to be in the way of that very comfortable looking rock."

He picked himself up off the ground and swept his hair away from his face.

"Next time I'll let you crack your head open."

"That would just be bad manners. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, no thanks to you."

"Gwaine, by the way. And what may I call you?"

"Lady Morgana, the King's ward, so do not try anything or it will be the last thing you do."

"I wouldn't think of it, honest. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Lady Morgana."

"Now you know who I am, Gwaine, but who are you?"

"Just a man passing through."

"More like running through."

"Well sometimes I get into disagreements with people and they don't go my way."

"I've always heard running was the coward's option," she said with a sly smile.

"Sometimes. Sometimes you've got to know when it's the only way to protect yourself."

She'd never thought of it as the right way out. Morgana was never one to back down from confrontation.

"It's been a pleasure, Gwaine, but I really should be getting back."

"The pleasure was all mine, Lady Morgana," he replied with a bow and a smile that promised they'd meet again.

Morgana mounted her horse and headed back towards Camelot, thinking meeting him again wouldn't be such a bad thing.

"Next time I won't fall onto you, I promise!" he called after her. She looked back and smiled, but said nothing.


	3. And Again

For the second time that day, Morgana headed for her cozy spot in the woods. This second journey wasn't planned, of course, but she'd left in such a hurry she forgot her cloak. As predicted, Uther had a list of things he wanted to consult with her about. So there it lay on the grass. Unless Gwaine took it. Speaking of Gwaine …

"Back so soon? Couldn't wait to see me?" he asked, not moving to look at Morgana when she appeared in the clearing.

"You're one to talk."

Gwaine was lounging upon the same rock Morgana had been earlier in the day. Of course he would still be here, the cherry on top of a very strange day. Still, if she hadn't forgotten her cloak she'd probably never have seen Gwaine again. For reasons she couldn't quite pinpoint, the thought made her frown.

For his part, Gwaine looked pleased. It was entirely possible he'd seen Morgana's cloak lying next to the rock this morning and chosen not to say a word. Instead he'd hung around hoping she'd come back. But Morgana didn't need to know that.

After securing the horses reins again, the world was as it had been hours ago. Morgana was still mildly agitated he interrupted her alone time and he kind of enjoyed it. Gwaine was a little bit arrogant for a man wandering around and she kind of liked it.

"I'm glad it's you, Morgana, otherwise that would have been awkward."

"No, I think you'd sweet talk your way out of any awkward situation just fine."

"A lovely compliment, thank you."

She rolled her eyes. "You haven't seen something of mine lying around on the ground, have you?"

"You mean this," Gwaine replied, reaching down beside him to grab her cloak.

"So not only do you tackle random people, you're a thief too. Good to know."

"Not a thief, I swear it! Here, take it," he said, sitting up and tossing to her.

Morgana wore a puzzled look as she reached out to catch it. "Thank you."

"You look confused, milady."

"That was rather easy," Morgana observed. She moved towards Gwaine, increasingly interested as to why he was still there. "Tell me, why are you sitting upon this particular rock?"

"It's a free rock, is it not? I don't see 'Lady Morgana's boulder' written on it anywhere."

"If it did, would that change anything?"

He pretended to ponder the question for a moment before simply replying, "No."

"You would not happen to have nefarious intentions behind staying here all day, would you?"

"I've not been interrogated like this unless the one doing the questioning had less than innocent intentions."

A hush fell over the two. The conversation was turning into a battle of wills and innuendos. Morgana had never lost a battle of wills, but Gwaine had never lost a battle of innuendos.

"What is it about you," she said quietly, "that is so infuriatingly captivating?"

Instead of answering, he laughed softly at her question. "I'll make you a deal, Morgana. Meet me tomorrow, here. Let's call it our spot. We'll swap life stories over lunch."

"We've only just met, why shouldn't I expect to be ambushed or tricked?"

"I haven't let you down yet."

Morgana tried, she really did, to talk herself out of it. How would it look if she was caught? Oh, I was just visiting this friend I met only yesterday. Yes he lives out in the woods. But she could take care of herself. Perhaps it was a bad idea, but it was a bad idea she would see through.

"Fine, Gwaine. Noon. Don't be late, it wouldn't be very ladylike."

His brain was muddled with a chorus of 'what do I do now, she said yes's but managed a goodbye as Morgana left for the second time that day.

It was simple enough in the morning, he really hadn't meant to trip and fall on top of her. But now food and talking? Was that technically courting? He honestly didn't care. Being chased out of that tavern was the best thing that could have happened.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow would start something bigger than either of them could know.


	4. A Not-Date with Food

"I trust you've come hungry?"

Morgana half-smiled at the sound of his voice. She'd be waiting for the better part of fifteen minutes and started doubting Gwaine would actually show.

"You're late," she said.

"Well I've never been one to follow the rules."

Morgana moved towards him and plucked the basket from his hands. "What do we have in here?"

"Food, clearly," he said, taking the basket back. "And I had you pegged as intelligent."

"Interesting because I've not had you pegged as funny."

"Ah, clever and witty."

"You never said yesterday, Gwaine, what exactly are your intentions with this?" she jested as he knelt down to unpack their lunch.

"Completely innocent, knight's honor."

"You're a knight?"

"No."

"That's what I thought," she said with a grin. "Because it could look like something of a date."

"How can it look like a date when it's a not-date with food."

"Of course, how could I be so foolish?"

"It happens to the best of us," he replied, handing her wine.

"Let's hear it then. You promised me a life story." Morgana sat on the ground and motioned for Gwaine to sit next to her. He happily obliged.

"There's not that much to tell. My father was a knight who died in service to his king, left my mother with nothing. The King wouldn't help her. Then after she passed I just started wandering, I suppose. Travelling anywhere and everywhere, getting kicked out of taverns and making the most colorful friends. I kind of swore off with nobility a long time ago, too, which doesn't help."

"And yet here you are associating with me. Why is that?"

"Would you believe me if I said I didn't know?" She nodded. "I'll let you know when I do."

"I'm afraid we won't have much more luck with intriguing backstories. My father was killed fighting for a king as well. As a promise to my father, Uther took me in. I was ten. I've been Uther's ward ever since. I fought it from the beginning. I think I still am."

"I'm sorry."

"As am I."

"That wasn't as cheery a conversation as I had planned. Here, eat, I guarantee you food will lighten the mood."

For quite some time, Morgana and Gwaine ate, drank, and swapped funny little anecdotes about life. The mood did lighten, considerably. Long after the food was gone, the two were still laughing and sharing and losing track of time. Hours felt like minutes.

"Should you be getting back?" he questioned during a lull in their conversation.

"I've still got time if you do."

Upon Gwaine's suggestion they move somewhere more interesting, he and Morgana made their way to a nearby village market. It was bustling with all kinds of people selling everything they promised was fit for royalty. Any fun they might have had was short-lived when Gwaine was spotted some old "friends" of his. He pulled her out of sight behind a large stack of hay.

"Why are we hiding?"

"Do you see those two large, fairly brutish looking men?"

"You can't miss them."

"They don't exactly enjoy my company."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing, nothing! They're just not very good at gambling, not careful with their money. Things happen."

"Never a dull moment."

He peeked around the haystack at precisely the wrong moment. They spotted him.

"You're not tired are you, Morgana?"

"No, why?"

"Because we have to run now."

Gwaine and Morgana bolted from behind the haystack and the two men gave chase. They weaved in and out of tables and customers to no avail, the men easily followed them.

"Go over that way," Morgana insisted.

They dashed for what Morgana wanted: the armory and a large rack of swords.

"Morgana, what are you doing?"

"I don't know."

She grabbed a sword and turned to face the direction they'd come from. The men had caught up and she held out the sword to them. Morgana was no amateur with a sword but she wasn't sure her plan had been thought through. To her slight comfort, Gwaine had grabbed a sword and mimicked her pose.

"Here's how this works. You let us go, or else."

"We're not going to run away scared from the likes of you two," said the man on the left.

"I'd listen to her, boys," Gwaine said matter-of-factly.

"Give us our money back," said the man on the right.

"Mmm, don't have it."

Neither of the two men hesitated to swing their swords at Gwaine and Morgana. The clang of metal attracted the attention of everyone in the market. Morgana managed to fight the sword out of the hand of the man on the left before Gwaine kicked him into his friend. The action bought them a few minutes as they dropped the swords, Gwaine took Morgana's hand, and they ran as fast their legs would take them. The men recovered their swords and refused to give up their chase. Two people being chased by large, intimidating men should not have been beaming, but they were.

Morgana chanced a look back after running for what felt like an eternity. The men chasing them had all but disappeared into the distance. Gwaine and Morgana were too far ahead.

"Gwaine, they've stopped chasing us. We can stop running," she managed through laughter. He breathed out a sound she took as a sign of relief.

The remaining walk back to their spot was leisurely. It was spent in a strangely pleasant silence and, more importantly, with all their respective limbs intact. It was Morgana who finally broke the silence.

"Who does enjoy your company around here?"

"You do."

"How would you know?"

"You showed up."

"Oh, and you're sorry I did?"

"I don't know. You caused an awful lot of trouble back there, I might be questioning it."

"That's a lie."

He smiled. "And how would you know that?"

"How long would you say it's been since we've stopped running?"

"Ten minutes or so. Why?"

"You've yet to let go of my hand."

Gwaine dropped her hand and immediately took a step away from Morgana. Did he just forget he was holding her hand? Maybe he should be embarrassed or apologize but it was comfortable and Gwaine wasn't really sorry. And Morgana seemed to be very aware of their hands. She definitely could have pulled away if that was what she wanted.

"You know," she started, intent on pulling Gwaine out of his own head, "I never said you had to stop."

"Then why did you even mention it?"

"To see your face the way it looks right now."

"You're full of surprises, Morgana."

"Thank you! I do wish I could say the same about you." Morgana finished the last word with a tiny yelp as Gwaine grasped her hand again and pulled her towards him. Gwaine tugged a little too hard and Morgana fell into him, toppling them both to the ground. It was a mildly painful surprise, she decided, but a surprise none the less.

"It's not very gentlemanly to fall in–"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence."

"I thought you wanted surprising?"

"Your surprise just became entirely too predictable."

"Now we're just idiots on the ground."

"Speak for yourself."

"May I try something else?"

She wrinkled her face and pretended to think it over. "You may."

Gwaine moved his free hand to her neck, his thumb brushing a now flush cheek. The intensity in shifted in that instant. And then they weren't idiots on the ground anymore. Morgana's breath hitched as she let out something that sounded like oh. With eyes memorizing every fraction of her face, he inched closer and closer until …

A mumbled what escaped Gwaine's lips as he found them pressed against a finger instead of Morgana.

"I admit it, you've surprised me. But no, not yet. Not with two days and on a 'not date with food.'"

He let his head fall back onto the grass again and chuckled. "Fair enough."

"I should be going back."

Morgana rose from her place on the ground but Gwaine remained where he was.

When he didn't respond she merely continued, "Thank you for today."

He let out a long sigh and sat up. "I never stay in one place for too long, but if I did, would you care to continue this? Being friends?"

"Barring any royal emergencies, I may be available again in three or four days."

"Well which is it?"

"Three days."

"Three days."


	5. An Exchange Concerning Magic

Three days came and three days went. It was funny that the world kept spinning as though their meetings had never happened, but neither of them would let it forget.

"Is it just me, or has this been an incredibly long three days?" he asked when she showed up.

"I managed alright," she teased. "I do hope you weren't pining away."

"Never. Didn't even get into any trouble. It was actually sort of boring."

"I wish I could say the same."

"What does that mean?"

"A woman came to sing for the court but she put some sort of sleeping spell over everyone. She tried to kill the King's son."

Gwaine's expression turned to one of concern. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, I'm here! The day I don't show up is the day you should think to worry."

"I'll keep that in mind. Uther doesn't take magic lightly, I'm assuming."

"No. It's barbaric, the way these people are treated."

"I gather you think differently."

"Of course! They are still the people of this kingdom and most of them mean no harm. They only wish not to be persecuted for something out of their own control! Just as much harm can be done without magic. You don't … you don't agree with him, do you?"

"Nah, the whole business disgusts me. People are people, like you said. There's some kind of good in everyone."

"You think so?"

"I do. Is that what you'd do if you had magic, Morgana? Find a way to use your power to save people from the ban on magic? You dream big, I like it."

She laughed. "Imagine if I had magic. Uther might hang me on the spot, that is if he didn't die of shock first. Anyway, I hardly think a magical rebellion will change his mind. You believe using magic as a weapon will prove no one wants to use magic as a weapon?"

"Obviously there are some details to work out, you couldn't just go around taking lives. That would accomplish nothing. But sometimes you have to do what you think is right and damn the consequences."

"If that were the right thing to do, I would do it. But I think showing magic can be a force for good is better."

"So you won't be starting any revolutions, then. Pity, I could have aided you."

"In the unlikely event I form a revolt against Camelot, you'll be the first to know."

"The two of us can storm the castle alone. I wouldn't miss it."

Morgana surprised herself then and moved towards him. But if she thought about the action, it wasn't really a surprise. She was thinking quite clearly. And so her lips met the warm skin of his face as she kissed his cheek.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"I think you've earned it."


	6. It's About Time

In the days to come, Morgana and Gwaine would meet regularly, but the place wasn't important anymore. Somewhere along the way the little spot in the woods with the rock and the creek wasn't the safe-haven, it was having each other there. But you couldn't pinpoint the shift.

Perhaps it was after Gwaine wasn't quite quick enough and showed up one day with a black eye and a split lip.

"Gwaine what happened to you?" she asked frantically and rushed to his side.

"Nothing, I'm completely fine!" he said unconvincingly, grunting through the pain.

"No you're not, I'm taking you to see our court physician."

"I took care of it already, I promise. I'm fine now that you're here," he assured her and laced their fingers.

"Flattery isn't going to un-bruise you."

"Un-bruising myself is not what I was going for."

Perhaps it was the day he found out a servant was poisoned by a chalice and it could have easily been Morgana.

"How can you say something like that so nonchalantly, Morgana?!"

"I'm not afraid of magic! Nor of any other future intruders. I can take care of myself, I think I've proved that."

"It was just a chalice, you wouldn't have known the difference!"

"I trust you'd save me if the day should come when I couldn't save myself."

Some might call it the honeymoon phase of their friendship. Neither pushed too hard. Their arguments weren't actually arguments. More like banter over who was five minutes late or something equally meaningless in the long run. It was proper, tied up neatly into a bow. At least, that's how they tried to keep it, but they were both too rough around the edges for that. Some days Gwaine thought he could kiss her and she wouldn't run away, but he never did. Some days Morgana thought she could say what their touches and glances meant to her, but she never did.

In time, Gwaine learned how to quell Morgana's anger when she was frustrated with Uther. She hated leaving that job up to Gwen, it wasn't fair. And while Gwen was perfectly capable, Morgana felt safer when Gwaine calmed her down. She used to tell herself just being outside the castle was the reason, but it was getting increasingly harder to convince herself of that.

"It's not your job to fix everything."

"He's infuriating! He won't listen to me, he won't listen to his own son! There is an entire kingdom of people who will suffer because of his ignorance!" Morgana nearly screamed it. Her cheeks were bright red with anger.

"You know he listens to you, it just takes some time."

"And what if it doesn't?! What if – "

"It will get better. I know because I believe in you and, more importantly, you believe in yourself. And you'll never give up fighting for something you believe in."

And Gwaine's occasional self-doubt was appearing less and less with Morgana to keep it at bay. For all the confidence he had, sometimes it just wasn't there. She found these days usually aligned with any date that reminded him of his mother.

"You're unusually quiet today."

"Just contemplating how long I can wander around aimlessly."

She panicked for a moment. "Are you leaving?"

"No!" She didn't look convinced. "No, sometimes I just wonder what I do that's worthwhile."

"I might have exploded by now if it were not for talking to someone I trust all the time. You help me, believe that."

"I'll take it."

All their conversations ended the same over those few months. Just before Morgana and Gwaine would depart they shared a slight hesitation. Like there was something else to be done. But the time wasn't right, not yet. So they would go, wondering if their next meeting would be the one.

Naturally, the day Morgana failed to arrive made Gwaine worry. He tried hard, so incredibly hard, to stay calm. He'd spent the entire day pacing, wondering if he should go look for her. The forest was pretty large, maybe she took a wrong turn? Every time he started to search, however, Gwaine found himself right back at that rock. What if she showed up and he wasn't there? No, that wouldn't do. She was merely held up, that was it. After all, she could take care of herself. It's just one day, Morgana would be there tomorrow.

Morgana was not lost in the woods. She was, in fact, held up in Camelot. She'd fallen under some mysterious illness that was killing her, rapidly. Gaius was trying to save her, but to no avail.

When Morgana didn't appear the next day he started thinking irrationally. After waiting for three hours and jumping at every snap of a twig or rustle of leaves, Gwaine decided he would find out what was going on for himself. How hard could it be to find a castle? So he walked. But he was going in circles. Frustrating, panic inducing circles.

A mysterious healer appeared in Camelot's court, claiming he could heal Morgana. Suspicious but … desperate times. And he did. She awoke in a daze with one thing on her mind. A near death experience will do things to a person, put everything into perspective. It makes you stop wasting time, makes you go seek out what you want. So as soon as it was possible, Morgana went to get what she wanted.

"Are you of sound mind and judgment right now?" she asked, and he nearly gave himself whiplash from looking up so quickly.

"What?"

"Yes or no."

"Yes."

"Are you in?"

"Yes."

"Good."

"Morgana, what happened?"

"Later," she said, pulling his head down to meet hers. No more waiting or dancing around the idea.

Their lips touched and they could have staying that way for a long time, just pressed against each other. But only until she can feel him smiling so she's kissing him again and it's all lips and desperation and tongue and passion.

"It's about time," he replied between kisses.

"Stop talking and kiss me."


	7. A (late, oops!) Valentine mini-insert

"Just because you can doesn't mean you should," Morgana stated as the two of them lay on their blanket beneath the stars.

"But I'd be a fool not to take advantage of the situation."

"Sometimes I'm in the middle of speaking."

"I'm fully aware, milady."

"And yesterday I very nearly fell into that horribly thorn-ridden bush!"

"I caught you!"

"Yes, yes I remember. No one doubts your agility. My point stands, it's dangerous."

"Secretly, I'll use any excuse to touch you."

She laughed. "I uncovered that on our first not date. I'm only requesting a little warning."

"That ruins the fun of it!"

"There's no fun in interrupting – "

Morgana never did finish that thought. The rest of the words came out muffled against Gwaine's lips, an incredibly common occurrence in recent days. She gave him grief over it, teasingly, but truth be told, she liked it.

"Maybe there's a little bit of fun in it."

"I knew you'd come around."

"It's a shame we can't meet in Camelot, seeing as you're so fond of stolen kisses."

"If I were in Camelot it would mean I'd have to become downright respectable. We can't have that, can we?"

"Certainly not, who wants to be kissed by some respectable man? It will always be crazy forest dwellers for me."

"I'll make you a promise, though. If I ever find myself there, the first thing I'll do is interrupt you. Because how else would you know it was me and not some imposter? You can never be too – "

Morgana kissed him and, really, Gwaine should have known it was about to happen. But he wasn't complaining. This was very high on the list of things he'd never complain about.

"You're not the only one with a touch of spontaneity," she said, with a little bit of difficulty as Gwaine held her head where it was so their lips couldn't part.

"It's a two player game anyway," he mumbled against her.


	8. I won't say it.

"At some point I am going to need to breathe, you know," Morgana informed him.

At least that's what he thought she said. It's hard to tell what words were being spoken when one is trying to fuse two faces at the lips, he'd have you know. With a pained sigh from Gwaine, they separated.

"How long can we do this?" she asked.

"Quite a bit longer, I think, but you needed to breathe."

"You know what I mean! Sneaking off on a daily basis, not telling anyone. Eventually, I am going to get caught."

It had been so long since Gwaine held himself accountable to anyone, he didn't really think about the consequences for her. He could do, and always did, whatever he wanted.

"Gwaine?"

"What's the worst that could possibly happen?"

"The very worst? You'd be killed. And you can't ask me to go through that."

"We can't have that," he said, pulling her closer. "And what's the best that could happen?"

"You could get banished and we never see each other again."

"I believe I said best thing, not least worst thing."

"Tell me then, what's the best thing?"

"Uther welcomes me with open arms as a result of my charm. After a chat, he renounces his stubborn ways and gives his blessing. Then together we'll live happily ever after."

"Are you proposing we get married?" she asked with a sly smile.

"I – what, no. I just mean – "

"No? Am I not good enough to be wed to someone like you?"

"I didn't say – you're more than – Morgana, I…"

"Hush, hush. I will admit, you are cute when you think you've done something to offend me."

He breathed a sigh of relief. "Finally, you admit it."

"However, I will be expecting nothing less than everything you just said should we marry someday."

"A man wouldn't be in his right mind to offer you anything less."

They stayed sprawled on the ground in silence for a long while. Morgana found it strange that she could so easily joke about marriage and forever. She tried not to let her mind wander towards what it was they were doing. Having someone to hold, to talk to, to confide in was blissful. But falling in – no she wouldn't even think the word. It was too vulnerable, and that was more frightening than any joke about marriage.

Gwaine's head was filling with what-if visions of himself living in Camelot. Intriguing, he thought, as the prospect of anything more intense than meeting Morgana in the woods had just frightened him immensely. A future was really not what he intended that day he tripped and fell on top of her. A far off future, he hoped, but not something he'd entirely rule out.

"Contemplating anything specific?" he asked, finally breaking the silence.

"No," she lied.

"Yeah, me neither. You're not still worried about being caught, are you?"

"A little bit. But not enough to want to stop, I assure you."

"We'll worry about getting caught when it happens. We've not been found out yet. We can run away and be in the business of secrets."

"Is this a fruitful business? I can't simply run away with you for anything less than success."

"I can't tell you, it'd be revealing a secret."

"Clever. I've got a few secrets of my own."

"Which are?"

"Nothing you need to worry your pretty little head about."

"Should've know," he replied with a grin.

"At least nothing you can't infer from the times you catch me staring," she mumbled.

"What was that?"

"Nothing!" she panicked. "Nothing. I just have to go. But here's something until next time," she said quickly and kissed him before he could protest her leaving.


	9. A Lover's Tiff

"No, you're not going!"

"Excuse me? Do you think you're my father? You do not have final word on what I can or cannot do."

"What part of you thinks this is a good idea?!"

"There are people in need of my help!"

"This isn't like sneaking that boy out of the castle, Morgana, these are seriously dangerous men. I worry about you!"

"You think you're the only one that worries? At least you know where I am! At least I tell you when I'm going somewhere. I've always wondered what the hell you did when you weren't with me and I only find out when you've shown up hurt or …" she stopped herself before something she didn't really mean slipped out. Morgana took a deep breath and looked at him. "If you're so worried, why don't you come?"

Gwaine let out a frustrated sigh and ran a hand through his hair. Morgana took it as her answer.

"Of course not! It might interrupt your time at the tavern!"

"Getting involved – "

"Save it," she laughed half-heartedly. It stung, and more than Gwaine cared to admit. "The reason does not matter. I am going to help those people. I won't let them lose any more of their food – or worse, their lives. What are you so afraid of? Fighting?"

"I'm afraid of something but it's not fighting."

"I'm quite handy with a sword, you've seen me fight."

"These men are brutal with no regard for life! You can't do it."

Morgana stared at him, unsure if she was confused or hurt or both. "In all this time, you've never once told me I couldn't do something. Gwaine, you act as though I'll be going alone, there will be plenty of others fighting."

"I didn't mean that."

"Then what is it? You've convinced yourself that I'm so incapable, death is the only result of this journey."

"It's not that simple!"

"Tell me," she said, nearly screaming now. "Stand there and tell me why!"

"I won't say it like this."

"Then you'd better start believing I can handle myself."

Without so much as a goodbye, she turned and left. Just like that. Gwaine felt like he was losing his mind. Maybe it was an overreaction. She could fight, he'd seen it. The what if's of every scenario gone wrong took over any rational thought. Morgana had a point – since when did he tell her what to do? The whole situation was so frustrating he wanted to scream. And he did, after kicking a rock because he didn't know what else to do. Gwaine winced in pain as he examined his now injured foot.

She gave him an opportunity, he couldn't do it. What happened next? What do you do when someone you … when someone so important walks away?

If Morgana heard Gwaine scream, she didn't so much as flinch. Enough people were trying to control her life, she didn't need another. It was a stupid little quarrel that somehow resulted in harsh consequences. Because he could've stopped her walking away, couldn't he?

She couldn't dote on the what if's just then, though. Ealdor had to be her first thought.


	10. Passion From Doubt

Sleep. Sleep would make her feel better. That was everyone's solution. Sleep, Morgana, you'll feel better in the morning. Morning always came but she never felt better.

There was one fool-proof course of action, but she couldn't face him. There was that frankly ridiculous argument before she went to Ealdor. And now Morgana had trouble even looking at her reflection after what she almost did to Uther.

She'd been constantly wrestling with the validity of Uther's love. And, even more so, the idea that she could orchestrate a murder. Morgana's world was trying to slip into something unreal and she wasn't quite sure she could grasp it. But how could she go back to the one thing that made her happy after that night. She had no idea if he'd be sorry or how to say she should have handled it better.

As it stood, she was still wide awake with no hope of sleeping anytime soon. Maybe she could just go and have a look around. If he wasn't there, she could slink back to the castle like nothing happened. Why should he be there? It had been nearly two weeks since they last spoke. But she pushed that thought from her mind immediately; it caused a horrible wrenching in her gut.

Deserted, of course. Perhaps it was better. What a convoluted plan it was anyway. Morgana told herself to just cut her losses, walk away. There was a reason forbidden romance was just that. He'd gone, Morgana would move on, and everyone would heal. She'd almost convinced herself it was that simple but she knew nothing with him ever was.

"It's about time."

Morgana lips turned up for a fraction of a second before the weight of the past couple of weeks hit her all at once. Without hesitation, Gwaine wrapped his arms around her.

"No, it's okay," she tried, pushing him away.

"For once in your life, let someone help you."

She resigned herself to the comfort and familiarity of his embrace; she could worry about her pride later. "I'm still mad at you," she mumbled into his chest. Gwaine didn't really expect anything less. Morgana remembered everything.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been trying to control the actions of such a capable woman."

"I could have explained myself better, I could have been more patient."

"I'll have more faith in the – " he started. That's when he noticed her wrists. "Morgana, what happened?" he asked in a deadly tone.

"Nothing. It was just – Uther."

He moved back from her and brought his hand to his hip. "I'll actually run him through," Gwaine threatened and headed off in no particular direction.

"Don't," she said, grabbing his arm. She took a deep breath and braced herself. Slowly, she explained what had been plaguing her for so many nights. How Uther threw her in the dungeon. How she'd aided in the plot of his demise. How she couldn't go through with it at the last minute.

"Why did you do it?" he asked. "Besides the dungeon." No judgment in his voice, just an honest question.

"I know what it's like for a girl to lose her father. And I am so tired of his lack of remorse. His son is a better man, would be a better king. It all made such perfect sense at the time."

"Everyone makes mistakes, Morgana. Don't let it consume you."

"Then what do I let consume me? The loathing? The mistrust?"

"I know you feel more than that."

"Not for him."

"He may deserve what's coming, but don't make it by your hand. You're above it."

"Am I? Look at what I almost did."

"But you didn't. You saved him."

"From something I constructed!"

"You're an inherently good person, don't tell yourself otherwise."

"How do you know?

"Because I know you. I do wish there was some way out of that castle for you though."

"Why?"

"What if Uther sent you to the dungeon again? What if it's worse?"

"I'm not so fragile."

"You're not invincible, either."

Morgana felt her cheeks flushing red, hoping with all her might that the conversation wouldn't go the same as the last time they met.

Gwaine tried to bury the feelings and uncertainties, but he couldn't.

"I thought we'd solved this issue."

"Even the best slip up, that's all I'm saying!"

"I do not want this to be a sequel to our last meeting."

"I'm allowed to be worried about you!"

"I don't want you believing I cannot look out for my own life!"

"I don't believe that, you know I don't! Just because you can protect yourself doesn't mean you should have to!"

There was the key. May Gwaine was a bit too assertive about it, but Morgana never let anyone look after her. Not since her father died. She knew he understood she could defend herself. But so could everyone else.

"Morgana, why did you really come here tonight? If you were looking for an argument, you got it."

"I wasn't looking for an argument!"

"Then what's so different about tonight than the past few weeks? Why'd you want to see me now?"

"You're actually insufferable. There's nothing different about tonight! I just couldn't take the separation anymore! It's because I'm in love you!"

Morgana gasped and brought her hands to her mouth. Had she really just let that slip out?

"Yeah, well I'm in love you too!"

Oh, good. He did – wait what? Morgana hadn't meant to reveal that little secret, but Gwaine hadn't missed a beat. Fine, two could be smooth about love.

"Then you should kiss me now!"

"Fine, I will!"

He kissed her with the kind of ferocity neither of them had experienced before. Gwaine had never really given so much of himself to a person before. Morgana had finally found someone who matched her intensity. Who truly, properly cared about her well-being.

Morgana and Gwaine broke apart and locked eyes. They laughed; it's all they could do. How ridiculous it was that they'd been fighting over little things and trying to convince themselves those thoughts were nothing more than their imaginations.

"What took you so long?"

"You can talk!"

Morgana had an idea then. She stroked the bottom of his shirt between two fingers, nothing more, to see if he'd stop her. Gwaine smiled. He knew exactly what she was doing; subtlety was never Morgana's strong suit.

"Now?" he asked with a smirk.

"Yes."

"Here?"

"If you'd be so inclined."

"Even with, what was it, a crazy forest dweller?"

"Stop asking stupid questions."

He obliged. Not because he didn't have any but the sudden loss of clothing on both sides was becoming increasingly distracting. And, as it happened, Morgana was guiding his body down onto the large boulder where they first met.

"I'm not sure if this qualifies as a stupid question, so let me know, but this rock?"

"It's not the first time we've been on top of one another on this rock."

"Context, milady. Context is everything."

"You really do talk too much."

Any remaining garments found their way to the ground and, in one unfortunate instance, into the water. Lips crashed hungrily against each other as hands grabbed at every inch of newly uncovered flesh.

"I hope to meet your royal expectations," he whispered through increasingly ragged breaths.

"Oh as luck would have it, you're in the position to set the standard."

She sighed when he kissed her again.

They fell into it together, the wonders, problems, and mysteries of anything but each other slipped away. The wind carried their whispers of sweet nothings as the pain of skin scratching against rock moved to the recesses of their minds.

Morgana slept through the night for the first time in days. She felt like herself again. She awoke with the morning sun, but it filtered through the leaves instead of her bedroom window.

Much to Gwaine's dismay, Morgana shook him awake.

"It's morning," she said softly.

"Never did like mornings, but the view on this particular one isn't so bad."

"Such a gentlemanly compliment, I'm flattered."

"We are never doing anything on that – that thing – ever again. My back has never been so torn up, and that's saying something."

"It's funny, though. My back's fine."

"Well it would be, wouldn't it?"

She kissed him. "I have to go."

He kissed her. "Just love me and leave me."

She kissed him again. "It looks suspicious when the King's Ward is missing. But I'll see you later, I promise."

He returned the favor once more. "Will you fix me up when you come back?"

"Of course. Can't have you running off somewhere, you might meet someone new."

"I've eyes only for you," he said dramatically. Morgana rolled her eyes, but she smiled.

"I thought you never stayed in one place for too long?"

"The rules change where love is involved."


	11. Can't We?

Morgana's body brushing softly against the leaves of a nearby bush alerted Gwaine immediately to her presence. If he was being perfectly honest with himself, and he'd been trying to do that recently, meeting in the forest was becoming rather dull. There was no privacy, no intimacy (except for that rock by the stream. Yes, that rock.). Gwaine had been wondering, lord help him, if sneaking around a giant castle to see her would really be so bad. Perhaps he could even find some work? He shuddered at the thought. No. Baby steps.

"I'm so sorry, I was tied up with some official business."

"And I wasn't invited? Bad form."

She smiled in spite of herself, "Shut up."

"I've got a surprise for you. I was thinking I could develop my stealth skills and save you a horse ride!" His arms were held out wide as though something was going to appear in front of him and accompanied by a grin so wide that his cheeks would ache later in the evening. "You don't look happy. I must have said it wrong, I'm really terrible at this."

"NO, that's a fantastic surprise!" Morgana said as she embraced him. "I'm just not sure if it's the most intelligent thing right now."

"Because?"

Morgana held her wrists in front of him. They were healing, but discolored from her time in the dungeon. "I can give you two reasons."

Gwaine kissed both wrists. "If this ever happens again I will not be held responsible for my actions."

"Is finding a strange man in the bed of the Lady Morgana a dungeon worthy offence?"

"I shouldn't think so but I'm not Uther Pendragon."

"It is probably punishable by death, let's not test it."

"Best not to tell anyone right now either, right? Just to be safe?"

"I … yes I suppose. Doesn't it just feel like we're standing still by keeping this a secret? I've seen nothing good ever come from a secret."

"And the other option could be we never get to even do this in secret again."

"You're right, of course you're right. Now, I know it'll be hard for you but try to keep from spilling your guts about how entranced you are by me."

He laughed. "I'll do what I can."

They stared for a moment, each trying to silently convince themselves it still had to be that way.

"But," Morgana began, "don't you feel like you're bursting with these emotions and you feel like if you don't share then with someone you're going to explode?"

"I –"

"And someone is sure to notice eventually, you walk around with that smile on your face all the time and someone is going to notice."

"You're saying I never smiled before you?"

"I'm saying I've improved it vastly but that's not the point."

"What's say we keep it to ourselves for safety's sake and you give me the kiss I've been thinking about all night."

Morgana kissed him roughly and brought him to his knees. She laid back and invited Gwaine to join her. His body hovered above hers, just briefly, before pressing his lips to hers again. The kiss had less urgency than the first time they'd done this, but it kept the heavy sense of passions. His lips trailed down her body as the stars kept their cries of love a secret for one more night.

* * *

 

"My lady, can I ask you something? As a friend."

"Of course, Gwen!"

"Who is it that you keep travelling to see?"

"No one! No one, I swear. I simply need to leave the confines of this castle sometimes," Morgana responded, visibly flustered.

"Morgana, I'm not so oblivious. More often than not you return here with the most genuine smile I've seen on your face in years."

Her cheeks blushed red once more but not from embarrassment this time. Not many things made Morgana wholly, properly happy. She could probably count them on one hand. Gwaine would be an easy first (with beating Arthur in anything related to swords coming in second place). Gwen was incredibly trustworthy in Morgana's eyes.

"You must keep this to yourself, do not share with anyone. Especially not Merlin, he can't seem to keep anything from Arthur."

"Cross my heart."

"I met him when I was out for a ride, oh it must have been months ago now. He literally fell on top of me. Not my envisioned first meeting but now I can't imagine the scene any other way. There's just something about the way he carries himself. So sure, so intent on doing what he wants and fighting for it. But there's something soft beneath that rough façade, I've seen it. He makes me feel safe. He's also made me feel angry and frustrated and just so … alive. He's beautiful, and I don't just mean physically. I love him."

"I'm glad for you Morgana, really. Your secret is safe with me."

* * *

 

"We haven't seen you in weeks, where have you been?"

"Afraid these tavern trips are being cut down, my friend. It's a travesty that I won't see your lovely face quite as frequently."

"Who's making ya do it, I'll see to it they let you free," the man said with a laugh.

"No need, no need. Entirely my choice."

"Come to think of it, you look a bit more tidy than the last time. Who's the lady?"

"What? Lady? No. No no no."

"Come off it now, you look downright respectable. C'mon. Just between us, I swear not to ruin your reputation."

Gwaine looked around, wondering if he could really trust him. If he didn't name Morgana, what could the harm be?

"Let's just say I've found someone I love. She's got a strong head and a soft heart. Not afraid to tell me off when I deserve it either. I've been livid because of her, I've been worried to the point of exhaustion, and I've been happier than I ever thought possible. I love her. And it doesn't hurt that the woman is painstakingly gorgeous."

"I never took you for the sappy type."

"Neither did I."


	12. A Discovery of Fate

"You're going to think I'm completely insane," Morgana insisted, pacing back and forth.

"Morgana, you came to find me. In this place no less, which – how did you even do that?"

"Please, you're not exactly unpredictable. It's basically a pub, just with a calmer crowd."

"Fair enough. Do you want to go somewhere more private? Because if you down sit down you're going to put a hole in the floor."

Frustrated with her own inability to get the words out, she grabbed his hand and pulled him out the door. Gwaine's quick cry of "My drink!" was lost in the breeze. She resumed her pacing. Something had happened, he wasn't an idiot, but Morgana never did anything until she was good and ready. Of course, that could mean she would walk back and forth therein front of him until the moon shone on them. He whispered her name softly and her feet stilled. She took a deep breath and met his eyes. Gwaine cupped her face and brushed his thumb over her cheek.

"What is it?"

"Magic. What if someone you knew had magic?"

"I would hope they'd use it to find me a nicer place to sleep."

"Gwaine!"

"What? I'm a simple man."

"This is serious! What if I had magic?"

"Do you?"

"I … I think I might. I have those dreams, those terrible, horrid dreams. Only they're not dreams. Not really. Not even nightmares. Just … premonitions. They have come true before, it has happened too many times to not be real. I'm sure I'm right! I spoke to only one other person about it but he just dismissed me. I am not crazy, there is something magical inside me. I had no idea who else to come to, if Uther found out he'd have me burning at the stake by dawn."

"So you … probably … have magic?"

"More like I definitely have magic. I also lit a candle and the flame just exploded…" she trailed off, visibly shaken by the memory of it. "I was terrified but I've decided," Morgana cleared her throat, straightened her back, and shook off any visible signs of fear, "I'm not going to be afraid of myself. And I know we've talked about magic before but now that it's me I just wanted to make sure nothing is changing between us."

Gwaine stood looking at her in silence for a moment. It was not a glance of disdain or disgust or even fear. The expression on his face was of pure bewilderment. Of course, it didn't last very long. He was a simple man. And if she had magic, she's always had magic. So nothing was really that different.

"Why would it change anything between us?" he said finally. Morgana let out the breath she was holding in.

"Perhaps you would be afraid I would kill you or something."

"Are you planning on killing me?"

"Of course not!"

"Then nothing changes. Other than …"

"Other than what?"

"Well as I recall there was talk of a magical rebellion and I guess we'll have to start planning."

"I think you should leave the planning to me." The pair shared a laugh. "At the risk of sounding like a lovesick poet, how did I ever get so lucky?"

"You picked the right rock."

"I always did have a knack for choosing rocks. I love you."

"Who doesn't?" He kissed her. "I love you too."

"There's something else. I left Camelot. I left the castle. I chose to live with the Druids, with people who understand me."

"You've moved to live with the Druids?"

"Yes."

"What does the King think of this?"

"I haven't any idea. I'm sure it'll all be fine. Everything has to be fine, it's better this way."

"I just have an unsettling feeling. If this is what you want, by all means keep at it. But it seems to me that your absence is going to look like you ran away or were kidnapped. Personally, I'd be looking for you either way."

"He will not find me, he can't find me."

She leaned herself against him in a silent request for an embrace that would make everything okay. He reciprocated for Morgana's benefit but he couldn't fight the feeling in his gut. They walked hand in hand for a while, slowing moving towards the little place Gwaine was living in at that moment. The further they appeared to be from civilization, the more at ease they became. Pondering on it alone, the were invincible. Weren't they? No power could take Morgana's peace from her, no force could destroy their happiness.

When they were alone.

So when Morgana's lips started to move their target to Gwaine's neck, there was nothing in the world but the two of them. As the silence was pieced with muffled cries of passion, troubles were forgotten and everything should have been perfect.

Nothing was so blissful after that moment. Morgana said she was going to be with the Druids and learn what she could do and she would see him later. Gwiane bade her farewell with a kiss. The reality of the situation caught up with them soon after. Uther did assume Morgana had been taken and sent men after her. Those whom Morgana considered her people were attacked and a turning point was set.. This was the first of many burdens Morgana would make herself carry. The incident had all the makings of the start of a war. Whispers would travel about those with magic being unjustly attacked and, in time, everything would come crumbling down. War has casualties and neither Morgana nor Gwaine were prepared.


	13. As Time Goes By

"Morgana, you can tell no one of us, of our meetings. Of anything we may … plan for the future." Morgause looked at Morgana with a soft gaze to compensate for her harsh words.

"What about – "

"Especially not him."

"I just do not know how comfortable I feel keeping something like that from him."

"You truly love him?"

"I do."

"Then keep him out of this. If what you say is true, he loves you and accepts you, let him be unaware. He will stay much safer that way."

Morgana shifted on her feet uncertainly. Perhaps it was for the greater good, for his greater good. But she didn't keep things like this from Gwaine, especially when he was the only one she felt comfortable talking to. Until Morgause, if Morgana was being honest. They had not known each other for long but there was something familiar about her. She had no problem sharing with the older woman, bringing her circle of trusted people up to three. And Morgana wanted to protect the two that had no idea but Gwen would be safe inside the castle walls which left Gwaine. If he would truly be safer out of the loop then she would deal with the repercussions when the time came.

* * *

"And then what?"

Morgana recounted the words she spat at Uther in the same spiteful tone the king had been graced with. Gwaine was taken aback by her intensity in the retelling. He completely accepted Morgana's temper was part of what makes her Morgana, but she had been so angry lately. Truth be told, not only was she angry but she'd been less frequent. On a few occasions she had neglected to meet him

"It was entirely necessary!" she insisted. "After, he sent me to my chambers like a child. I refuse to continue to be kicked around. I am not going to stand idly by anymore while he persecutes my people. I want to live in a fair and just Camelot! I don't want to live in fear of what will happen if someone found out about my magic!" Morgana's voice was getting louder with each proclamation and tears were beginning to blur her vision. She let out a defeated sigh. "I just want to feel safe."

Gwaine drew her into a warm and much needed embrace; Morgana composed herself with the calming rhythmic beat of his heart. "A lot has been going on and the stress of it all it getting to me," she mumbled into his chest.

"If you're feeling overwhelmed just remember that I'm in love with you and that's a feat in itself. So if you're capable of that, you're capable of anything," he said with a grin. "And I'll keep you safe. You keep me safe. It's what we do."

"Thank you," she replied sincerely.

"Can we sit for a moment? I want to talk."

"We are talking."

"It's more serious talk, sitting down talk."

Morgana raised a quizzical eyebrow but complied with his request. He shifted a few times after sitting down, unsure of how to start, before settling on a position and taking her hands in his.

"I think I know why you've not been showing up to see me as often."

Panic settled in Morgana's mind but she tried in desperation not to show it on her face. If he knew … well if he knew what could happen? He would certainly be angry with her. Morgana was always one for stirring the metaphorical pot of revolution, but it was so tangible this time. Gwaine was the fiercely loyal type; he'd follow her into battle. Not that she was planning one, but if anything escalated she might. And then what if he did something stupid? What if he got himself hurt? No, she was getting ahead of herself. Morgana willed her mile-a-minute thoughts to cease immediately.

"You do?" she said coolly.

"Of course." His hold on her hands tightened slightly. "We've being doing this whole thing for a long time now. We've tried to take that next step a few different times but we're constantly thwarted by some ridiculous circumstance. I think you've been avoiding meeting me as of late because you're scared of how serious this is beginning to feel."

"No! No – I'm not scared of this, of us. You're all I want."

"And I you. But we're moving in circles. Not that what we're doing isn't enough, 'cause it is, but we could do more. My mother is swooning at what you've helped me become, never wanted me to live in pubs. I feel like I've known you forever, and I want this so much."

"What are you saying?"

"What I'm saying is, Lady Morgana, if you'll have me, would you do me the honor – "

She just barely held herself back from letting something decidedly  _un_ -ladylike slip from her lips.

"– of becoming my wife?"


	14. Two Choices

Morgana stood in stunned silence after Gwaine's proposal and remained statuesque for quite some time. She could only hear the pounding of her pulse in her ears, unsure of how to react. Should she run? Kiss him? Fake fainting? No, none of her thoughts were making sense. Nothing was the right option. Gwaine whispered her name softly and it snapped her from the temporary paralysis.

"Well?" he asked softly.

She still didn't know what to say. Enthusiastic screams of "yes, of course" crept up in Morgana's throat but were caught halfway. A brief flash of all the things that could be, everything she wanted for them, moved before her eyes.

Morgana kissed him for the sake of it probably being their last (although she told herself, for sanity, it was only the last  _for now_ ). Gwaine smiled, thinking it was just one of many they would share during their life together. Morgana was nearly shaking, holding back the burn of tears for what she was about to do.

"I can't…" she said as she broke the kiss and backed out of his embrace.

At first he was confused. Morgana kept repeating a chorus of "I love you but I can't" before leaving, knowing full well he was heartbroken and, for the first time, she couldn't fix it. Her feet seemingly moved of their own accord as she quickly pushed her way through trees and bushes. Occasionally, her gown would snag and slow her down. Any other time she'd be concerned with the fabric, how would she explain what happened? This time was different. She brought a hand to keep from calling out for him and to choke back a sob.

* * *

Morgana moved hastily back to her room. She kept her head down as she navigated the castle, only raising it to nod at anyone who dared be in the path to her chambers when the greeted her. Luckily, she had managed to avoid anyone who would desire any kind of conversation.

Closing and locking her chamber door as quickly as possible, Morgana rested her body against it. How? How was she expected to deal with anything that happened in the past hour? Her fists balled and her nails pressed sharply into her palms. Nothing was going the way she wanted. She couldn't have that love, not now, because there was a cause to fight for. But that cause had surely lost Gwaine for her.

Her mind was burning, but with what emotion she did not know. The overwhelming sensation built and built until the candles around the lit up with dangerously large flames **.** Control it,  _control it_. Morgana took a deep breath and the fire slowly shrank back to its low, quiet burn. She had not even notice she was crying until she brought a hand to her mouth and felt the tears on her cheek. Morgana forced her body over to the bed and collapsed onto it without even bothering to change. Comfort wasn't an object anymore, she was numb. This was the only night these feelings could be let through because she made her choice and there was a revolution to begin.

* * *

There was not even a rejection, Gwaine thought, she literally ran away. How could she have been committed for this long, it had been  _so long_ , and just leave? But maybe he was in the wrong. Did he misread Morgana? He may have moved too fast for her. He should have asked first if this was the direction they were headed. Sure, they had not made any other leaps forward in their relationship, but he completely understood why hanging around Camelot would be a terrible idea. And such a flimsy commitment. Marriage was something he could uphold, and something he meant.

Gwaine truly loved Morgana.

Hands wiped tears away, although it was unlikely anyone would be around to see him in such a state. He silently apologized to his mother. He felt in the wrong, like he'd screwed up again somehow. He couldn't even honor her in death. That, and for what he knew he was about to become. A drink or ten was in order.

He wasn't bitter right then, he wasn't even heartbroken yet. He was just … numb.


	15. Maybe I Just Wanna Be Yours

They lost a year. He spent most of it in taverns. She spent most of it pretending he never existed. Both assumed they’d never see each other again, drowning their sorrows in two very different potions. Gwaine and Morgana both thought they’d put each other in the past until they confused repression with forgetting.

The universe pulls on strings as it sees fit, for better or worse. Luckily, or perhaps unluckily, two people strung together could not escape such a fate. The force that connected Gwaine and Morgana together was a red string that could not be unknotted. What they did with their entangled souls was entirely up to them.

The current situation for Gwaine involved a bar fight. He was living his day to day when two men about his age came into the tavern. Some great, ugly brute started harassing the owner of the tavern he happened to be in that day. The two men Gwaine had never seen before tried to get in the middle of it. Commendable, but the two didn’t look like they saw a lot of this kind of action. One thing led to another (he stopped keeping track of how these incidents started) and he was knocking men to the ground.

“You two have gotten yourselves in a bit of a pickle, haven’t you?” he said as he walked over to the two men.

“You should get out of here while you have the chance,” said the blond one.

“You’re probably right.”

Gwaine turned around and punched the man square in the face. And then … all hell broke loose. It turned into an all out brawl. Three of them versus six, seven, eight … he lost count.

“Pass the jug … what do they call you then?”

“Merlin.”

“Gwaine.”

The minutes following that were hazy. Someone pulled a dagger and Gwaine’s first instinct was to jump in front of it. His leg was pierced in the process. Everything started to grow dark but someone was kneeling over him. Was it … or was that just wishful thinking. He woke up in a strange bed hours later with a cold sweat settled on his chest. The bed creaked as Gwaine sat up, reminding him where he was. She hadn’t crossed his mind in months, why now? It just probably just a freak thing he told himself. But every time he closed his eyes she was there, telling him how he could have gotten himself killed. God, what was it about this place?

Later, Merlin brought him food and let him know he’d saved Prince Arthur of Camelot. The word kept ringing in his head over and over again: Camelot, Camelot, Camelot. He got dressed and pushed everything to the back of his mind. Don’t bring all of that up again. Moving on was the hardest thing Gwaine had gone through, he couldn’t undo all that work.

The castle grounds were busy. Gwaine strolled around the market wondering how people could continue with their daily lives as though the slow burning flame in the back of his mind was not threatening to engulf his whole body. He should just leave so temptation couldn’t re-open old wounds and oh … pretty girl. Gwaine grabbed a flower from a nearby merchant and, regrettably, opened his mouth. Her name was Gwen and despite his best efforts, she was uninterested. He jogged to catch up and return his “borrowed” flower.

“What do you know of that fair lady, Gwen?”

“Not that I consult with thieves but Guinevere serves the Lady Morgana.”

Gwaine’s heart sped up. Could he have anything that wasn’t linked to her? Of all the princes in all the world he had to save Camelot’s and she was somewhere in that castle right now living a life without him. He had to do what he did best. Drink. He found himself a table in a dark corner of the nearest tavern and ordered the largest container of mead they would sell him. A few hours and some self-loathing later he was back to himself from a year ago. Most of the control Gwaine thought he had vanished. A loop of their firsts played over and over, each memory becoming more vivid the more the alcohol coursed through his body. But it was still the past. And he was over her now. She should definitely know that. The castle was right there, he could march up and tell her himself.

Gwaine spent the next half hour journeying what would have taken any completely sober man ten minutes. He was delightfully tipsy, which is why this seemed like such a good idea. Impressively, Gwaine made it around the castle without humming his own theme tune. He needed to see her once just to tell her how much he’s forgotten about her. Tell her how great his life was going. That was a good plan. It would quell his anger. It’s was so unfair, what she did, so unbelievably selfish. She was really going to get it; he was going to tell her just how dreadful those first six months were. How nothing could make him smile. How all he saw was the inside of a bottle. How much god damned better his life was without her in it.

Nothing sobers a man like the realization you’ve been lying to yourself.

Gwaine turned a corner to see her deep in some official looking conversation and that little flame in the back of his mind exploded. He had trouble breathing for a moment, he felt like someone punched him in the stomach. 

“Working late?” he called with what little composure he could gather.

Morgana stopped talking mid-sentence but refused to face him. She said something Gwaine couldn’t make out to her associate and he nodded before leaving. There was silence for a few moments before she turned down a corridor. Gwaine followed. He thought he lost her when an arm pulled him into a nearby chamber the door slammed shut. Gwaine was pinned to the wall by a very glassy eyed Morgana, her face only inches from his own.

“I told you the first thing I’d do was interrupt you.”

“How can you be here?” she whispered.

“If I’m here maybe I’ve become downright respectable.”

“Well who wants to be kissed by some respectable man?” 

She was a hurricane, Gwaine thought, and he’d gladly become wreckage if it meant one more night with her. They kissed for the first time in twelve long months but it was frantic as though they were worried the other might disappear if their lips were not touching. Try as they might, their bodies were never close enough to each other to make up for the time they spent apart. Neither could remember who said “I still love you” first, in fact they may have said it at the same time. It would have been funny in any other circumstance, but not tonight. The words weighed heavy between them, pulling down the façade Gwaine and Morgana had been putting on over their twelve months apart.

Everything hit Morgana at once. She forced Gwaine to be more of an afterthought over the past year, something she just did not deal with. And now, as they finally broke apart and Gwaine brought his hand to her face, Morgana’s lips began to tremble. Their first encounter in a year and she was crying in front of him. She hated it but she could not help herself as she choked out an apology.

“I know,” Gwaine said quietly as he pulled her close.

For a few moments Gwaine and Morgana just stood there, entwined and teary eyed. She locked the door and pulled him over to her bed. Gwaine flopped onto the mattress and Morgana changed into her nightgown before joining him. She rested her head on his chest and closed her eyes. It was like they had never separated. Rough fingers gravitated to soft, dark curls as though there was no place they’d rather be. A light breeze blew through the window. Only their breathing pierced through the silence until Gwaine couldn’t help himself anymore.

“Can I ask what you’ve been doing all this time?” 

“After I left you,” her cheeks flushed with embarrassment, “I did nothing for a long time. I confined myself to my chambers to be alone. Then I,” she hesitated, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment. Gwaine was not ready for the truth. Morgause warned her revealing anything to him. “I took a trip to clear my head. But I could never shake you out of my mind I guess.”

The mood between them became foggy. How awkward it was to discuss their year apart when it was so hard for them both. But they both had so much hope they could overcome and leave the relationship mistakes in the past.

“What did you…” she began. Morgana was not sure she wanted the answer but gathered her courage and started again. “What did you do after I left?”

“I waited for you to come back.”

“For how long?”

“I’m not sure. A few days, I suppose. I thought it was just something we’d get through. But when it became evident you had other ideas I treated myself to a drink or ten.”

“Oh.”

“Eventually I convinced myself I moved on. At least until I ended up here.”

“How did you end up in Camelot? I assumed you wouldn’t want to be anywhere near me.”

Gwaine sat up to face her and Morgana mirrored him.

“I don’t want to have that conversation right now. I know we should and I know a lot happens in twelve months but right now I just want to be here with you.”

“Prove it.”

“What?”

“Let’s just forget everything for tonight. Push everything to the back of your mind except that you love me and I am still so desperately in love with you.”  
Gwaine moved his lips with such urgency that it caused Morgana to give a short, but loud, yell as she almost fell backwards off the bed. He grabbed her in time and the pair burst into laughter.

“You should be more careful.”

“You should be less aggressive. Am I expected to believe you met no other women over the past year?” she asked, trying to keep the hope out of her voice.

“I met a couple in my travels. They weren’t you.”

Smooth talking bastard.

“I think we’re going to have to be quieter,” she said. Morgana helped Gwaine off with his shirt and pushed him onto his back. She linked their and straddled his waist, moving her lips from his neck to his collarbone to his chest to – he couldn’t have muffled the moan if he wanted, it just slipped out.

“That’s not quiet,” she whispered.

“I’ll try harder,” was his half-hearted response.

The complete loss of his pants revealed the bandaged knife wound that was patched up earlier. Morgana lightly ran her hand over it.

“What happened?”

“Nothing!”

“That’s not nothing, it looks fresh.”

“I can’t prove anything to you if you don’t trust me. I’m fine.”

Gwaine moved her away from his injury and ran his hand up Morgana’s side, making her shiver. Every touch, every kiss that followed fuelled the fire between them. Quite a bit of time and several stops for noise control later, luck granted them an uninterrupted night. Morgana’s head resumed its place on his chest and Gwaine’s hand resumed its stroking of her hair. Clothing covered the floor like it belonged there, like this was a regular occurrence. The whole scene was downright domestic. As their breathing returned to normal, Morgana found herself wishing her nights could always end with Gwaine.

“I missed you,” Morgana admitted. “Wipe that stupid grin off your face.”

“Who said I’m smiling?” He’d never smiled wider. 

“We’ll find a way to make this work,” she said, kissing his cheek. He hummed in agreement.

The naivety of youth has no place in war.


End file.
